Correspondence Between Hetalians: The Great War
by Geirdriful
Summary: World War I depicted "Correspondence" style. Crude humour, England's odd tsundere character, scones, dreadnoughts, telegrams, an incompetent Kaiser, trenches, buttons, Christmases, Russians, Russian cannon fodder and massacres.


**So here it is. The brainchild of my addiction to World War I. Historical accuracy worked-hard-for. Many thanks to IcarusWing for beta-ing. **

**Please take the time to review, as both comments and criticism are much-wished-for.**

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**"Some wars name themselves. This is the Great War."**

– _Maclean's Magazine_ October 1914

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**BACKGROUND/Situation with the Great Powers before the war**

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**ALLIANCES BEFORE THE WAR (GREAT POWERS ONLY since they're the major ones)**

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**Triple Entente: Britain, France and Russia – **In 1904, Britain signed a bunch of agreements with France (the Entente Cordiale) and in 1907, Britain and Russia signed the Anglo-Russian Convention.  
These agreements didn't formally ally the U.K. with France or Russia, but they made Britain's entry into future conflicts involving France or Russia really likely. The system of agreements turned into the Triple Entente.

**Dual Alliance: Germany and Austria-Hungary** – formed in 1879. They were joined by **Italy** in 1882 to form the

**Triple Alliance:**(Germany's choice of allies: a crumbling patchwork of an empire and Italy). The Franco-Russian Alliance was formed to counteract them in 1892.

**Basically (including later on):**  
U.K., France, Russia, Japan and U.S. vs. Germany, Austria-Hungary, Italy.

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**OTHER THINGS**

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**Arms race between Britain and Germany:** essentially a dreadnought-building race. _Dreadnoughts_ = giant, awesome battleships people used to kill each other in the early 20th century.

**Austria-Hungary and Serbia hate each other:**

_Austria-Hungary's side:_ Austria was always really annoyed with Serbia because: 1) they were free Slavs (essentially: they weren't under Austrian rule) and 2) they killed off Archduke Franz Ferdinand (let's ignore the fact that Franz Josef didn't even like the Archduke → they just wanted to beat up Serbia)

_Serbia's side: _Austria-Hungary annexed the former Ottoman territory of Bosnia and Herzegovina. This really ticked off Serbia and its patron, **Russia.**  
_- Ultimatum: _wanting to finally end Serbian interference in Bosnia, Austria-Hungary delivered the July Ultimatum to Serbia, ten demands intentionally made unacceptable and designed to provoke Serbia. Nice.

**Russia: **^J^

**France annoyed at Germany for Alsace-Lorraine:** the frog was immeasurably resentful of the German conquest of Alsace-Lorraine in the Franco-Prussian War of 1870 -1871 (so they mobilized).

**Belgium: **Germany violated Belgium's neutrality.  
Effect: Britain gets pissed and declares war on Germany. Good going, Germany! Now you've just ensured a _very _long war!

**Great power vs. great power = apocalypse**  
Well, not that bad but you get the idea.

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**August 1914**

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To: Roderich Edelstein  
From: [Serbia]

What kind of ultimatum is that? ! I can only agree to eight of those ten! It's absurd!  
_You're _being absurd, stupid piano player!

Serbia

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To: [Serbia]  
From: Roderich Edelstein

Deal with it.  
_Attached:_ [sound file] famous_pieces_by_chopin  
And do not _ever _use the piano as an insult.

Austria

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To: Roderich Edelstein

From: [Serbia]

I think that you should go jam your head into that piano.

Serbia

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_Britain's new status message is: MY NAVY IS UNBEATABLE. LEAVE NOW OR DIE!_

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To: Ludwig  
From: Elizabeta Héderváry

WHAT IS THIS "ALLIANCE? !" I THOUGHT YOU SAID THIS "CENTRAL POWER" THING WAS AN ALLIANCE.

HUNGARY

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To: Elizabeta Héderváry  
From: Ludwig

Dear Hungary,  
I'm not following you. Yes, I did say this was an alliance... so...?

Germany

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To: Ludwig  
From: Elizabeta Héderváry

If this is an alliance, why is that bastard Prussia here, then? ! I REFUSE TO COOPERATE WITH THAT _LOON_. I thought alliances were supposed to groups of people who team up for a greater cause! That Prussian bastard's greater cause is making himself "the most awesome."

Hungary

PS.: Plus, every time I see him I feel an irresistible urge to bash his brains in.

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_Germany's new status message is: I'm starting to regret my choice of allies._

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To: Francis Bonnefoy and Ludwig  
From: Arthur Kirkland

Hey, you two are going to honor Belgium's neutrality, right?

England

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To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Francis Bonnefoy

Of course! We wouldn't want to hurt lovely Belgium!

~ France

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To: Ludwig  
From: Arthur Kirkland

What about you, Germany?

England

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To: Ludwig  
From: Arthur Kirkland

Germany?

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To: Ludwig  
From: Arthur Kirkland

Fine, then! I'll have to declare war on you!  
You fat kraut.  
Tell your Kaiser to go to Hell for me.  
You go to Hell, too.  
It's all your fault that I have to work with the frog.  
Damn git. I'll hate you forever because of that.  
Die.

England

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_Austria's new status message is: Germany will help me fight, yes?_

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To: Sadiq Adnan  
From: Arthur Kirkland

I've (I _refuse_ to acknowledge an alliance with France) just received news that you let the German battleship _Goeben_ into one of your harbours. Kick it out now or I'll be forced to declare war on _you _too.

England

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To: Sadiq Adnan  
From: Arthur Kirkland

Fine.  
Another declaration of war.  
Now I'll have to talk to the frog again.  
Damn you. Quit ignoring me.

England

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To: Winston Churchill  
From: Arthur Kirkland

Why in Heaven's name is everyone ignoring my letters?

England

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To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Winston Churchill

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

— Winston Churchill

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To: Winston Churchill  
From: Arthur Kirkland

For Britain's most famous figure, you're not very helpful at all.

England

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To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Winston Churchill

Sorry.

Winston Churchill

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To: Winston Churchill  
From: Arthur Kirkland

Ah, well. Anyhow, I can't believe how stupid that supposed "Empire" is. To go to war because of a ship? Hell.

England

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To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Winston Churchill

Technically one of the reasons why there's rivalry between you and Germany is because of that arms race Admiral Fisher started with _HMS_ _Dreadnought_. So, indirectly, that and this war were both caused by a ship, too. Not that I don't like Admiral Fisher.

Winston Churchill

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To: Winston Churchill  
From: Arthur Kirkland

How about you go and try to make it seem like we have nothing to do with starting this?

England

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**For people who've read **_**Correspondence Between Hetalians**_**: yes, I did just cut a bit from part 33 where England complains about how Germany didn't reply to one of his e-mail. Laziness.**

**Please read __****Correspondence Between Hetalians, ****too**_**!**_

**A little note: even though I listed all the great powers as, well, great powers, the British Empire was seen as a hyperpower for a while.**

**Least to greatest: Great Power, Superpower, Hyperpower**


End file.
